vent posts

hey. if youre reading this then either i trust you enough to give you the password to this, or the encryption from that site sucks ass. or youre just good at guessing, who knows. anyways, if i didnt give you the password to this, then please dont read these. this is a lot of really sensitive content that i vent about here. if i did give you the password, then do whatever. i dont know why i would, but it might happen.

5-1-2024

TW: Suicide i told him i didnt trust him with some stupid old username i had because i was embarrassed about it and didnt want to get teased over it. and he took it so personally and went completely offline and now everyones panicking thinking he might kill himself/might have already done it and we cant reach him and part of me feels so awful because if he did its my fault but also why is it my fault i didnt trust that information in his hands? how does this prove i could trust him?? it makes me trust him less even if his reaction to being told no is to kill himself. i dont know what to do. im in call with someone else not saying anything just because i dont want to be alone right now. im terrified and i dont want him to die but i just want it to be over and i want him to leave me alone i hate being like this im a horrible person im a horrible friend but i just cant take it anymore
EDIT: hes fine! completely fine! just ghosted everyone and stopped responding after getting upset and then came back and asked me for MORE of my time! to spend hours up with him alone! theres never any consideration for what i want or how im feeling or anything! its always for him everything about him. he never thinks about how some of his actions effect the other people around him. it isnt even just me, when he does this it freaks fucking everyone in our friend group out and he doesnt fucking care! im not saying hes in the wrong for being unwell mentally but he could at LEAST apologize once or twice for fucking scaring us like this! or give us a fucking sign instead of leaving everyone to panic for several hours wondering if hes fucking dead

4-30-2024

TW: CSA i feel so uncomfortable every fucking time he asks me stuff like this i hate it i hate it STOP asking me PLEASE i dont care that much about the sex stuff i get it we've been a sexual object since we were a baby its nothing fucking new to constantly be propositioned or be asked to see nudes but i just want him to stop asking us to date him!! i hate it i hate it i dont want to and i keep telling him no we all keep telling him no and it feels like hes listening but he isnt HEARING us. he says he understands but he keeps fucking asking and its like hes hearing our 'no' as a 'not right now try again tomorrow' we opened up to him because we felt safe around him because he seemed like he really understood but i guess he was just pretending to!!! i dont want to date him it makes me sick to my fucking stomach the idea of dating anyone and i know he just wants us for our fucking body like literally everyone else has and when he cant get that he demands constant emotional support and its like he thinks we're already dating the way he puts this pressure on me or gets upset if i spend time with anyone else and i feel sick constantly i just want it to stop!!!!!!!!! all ill ever be in life is a piece of fucking meat to own and pass around when the novelty wears off but god i wish i could find just one person who DIDNT want me. i wish i could find one person who saw me as a human being and not something to fucking possess

4-6-2024

TW: Suicide update on the friend situation, we talked to our best friend about some of the stuff hes been doing/saying lately and it turns out we arent the only ones hes been talking to about his problems. but as it turns out, the way hes been behaving IS actually kind of creepy and we arent overreacting! we've been in call with him almost 24/7 since february from when we wake up until we go to bed (sometimes staying in call while sleeping) and its really been taking a toll on us since we havent had any time to talk to other people at all, let alone about some of the problems we've been keeping to ourselves. hes been constantly putting pressure on us to explain how important he is to us in increasingly elaborate ways, and it feels like hes been pushing us to see if we would date him (we're aromantic, we dont date due to a Lot of trauma). he almost killed himself tonight but one of our friends talked him down. apparently he got fired on the spot for something and that on top of everything was enough to push him over. (from the friend that talked him down:) he was going to call us as a last resort and put us in that position Again. i cant do this again. i havent had to do this since middle school and that shit made me scared to ever talk to people. if this keeps up im going to get worse again and pull away from everyone and i dont want to do that! i like my friends but im fucking terrified of being in this position again constantly and its safer to not talk to anyone. i cant even get my thoughts straight right now. im just scared. i want him to be ok but i cant keep doing this. it feels like the only options hes giving me are give up my own boundaries and let him have control over us or just let him die and im scared.

3-25-2024

TW: CSA, conditioning im hesitant to talk about this publicly anywhere, at all. this is something not even most of our system knows about since i formed specifically to hold all of this trauma. we're extremely hypersexual and thats well known, but what everyone else doesnt know about is the actual conditioning we have. i hate it. i hate feeling the need to perform "maintenance" i hate being pulled towards hurting myself like this i hate that i HAVE to perform these things but its so deeply ingrained that going against it makes me feel physically ill. for days. and this shit gets triggered by the dumbest goddamn things. i know exactly what causes it to happen and its such a common term and word but even seeing someone ELSE get called it is enough to make me go limp. i hate it i hate it i feel fucking disgusting and vile knowing its so easy to just use me like this. i feel like a fucking dog taught to play dead on command i HATE it and the worst part is! the one responsible for all of this, that made me this way and turned me into a glorified sex toy isnt even around anymore!! the sick bastard is dead and gone and hes never going to face any consequences for any of it. he isnt even around anymore to take responsibility for making me this way and i feel like im hollow now because what the hell is my purpose anymore? i cant do the one fucking thing i was conditioned and trained to be. i feel sick thinking about this or talking about it i wish i could bring him back to kill him myself or make him fix me or do fucking SOMETHING to make this go away. i hate him i hate myself i hate feeling like this its so aimless.

3-11-2024

TW: suicidal ideation, self harm, SA our therapist didnt show up to our appointment. again. we literally had to fight for an appointment after three months of cancelations, she agreed we needed to meet more again, and then she didnt even cancel on us, she just fuckin no-showed. we're ACTIVELY suicidal. a GENUINE risk to our health. and she cant be fucking bothered to show up to the appointment WE PAY HER FOR. holy shit!! if i kill myself right now actually it is fully her fault. it is on HER conscious i am not joking. anyways what i had wanted to talk about with her was how ive been so depressed lately ive barely gotten out of bed and have showered once in the past month, on top of self harm. and how we're paying for our plane tickets to an event with our body. and how going through that feels like reliving some of the worst of the sexual trauma we have, but we need to go and dont have the money to get the plane tickets otherwise. or maybe i couldve talked about how we've been so dissociated lately that we've been losing days at a time. or i couldve mentioned how i havent seen our dad in months and our best friend moved several states over and doesnt really talk to us anymore. or how ive been so suicidal we havent had the willpower to reach out to our doctor about our hormones. or literally any of the five million things that have been making us an active risk. but she no-showed. we confirmed the appointment yesterday, right date/time and everything. and just. nothing. what a fucking joke

3-1-2024

TW: suicidal ideation, self harm update, same friend from before is now (currently) talking about how hes suicidal (still, has been for a while) and he brought up how hes started self harming. and then he mentioned how its directly because i had mentioned to him that it doesnt hurt. he asked me last week if it hurt after he had seen our scars, and now hes started, and hes specifically said it was because i said it didnt hurt (to us, with a very high pain tolerance). and before saying that he baited us into saying that its helped us keep from committing suicide. and it fucking SUCKS why the hell would he think id ever want to hear that? that its my fault hes getting worse?? and then he follows it up by saying "i dont want to be another thing that happens to you" while hes CURRENTLY making me feel fucking awful and talking about how he wants to kill himself?? i thought he was asking me out of sympathy or concern, i didnt know he was going to turn around and start following my example! i thought he cared about me but he just wanted advice on how to hurt himself. and then he goes and TELLS me about it. im writing this while hes talking about it and ill be so real the only reason i havent switched out literally right now is because im forcibly trying to finish writing this. im getting forced out of the front by someone so im just going to end it right here.

2-29-2024

TW: suicidal ideation it feels like everything is getting so, so much worse. people i thought i could trust are turning out to be horrible, people are so fucking desensitized and apathetic to the tragedies happening around them to the point of sensationalizing them or making them into opportunities to shill, my family is falling apart and my closest friends hardly need me. i dont have a reason to be alive right now, the only reason i havent killed myself is because it feels like too much effort. any small thing that brings me joy is shot down or ignored, while constantly piling more stress on me. "buy this" "do this" "you have to go to this" and i can hardly find the energy to get out of bed for more than an hour. i just want to die. im doing everything i can to talk about important issues right now because if i can use what little energy i have for anything id rather it be that. my therapist cant even meet with me until next month and shes probably going to cancel again. if i killed myself would anyone even care? i havent spoken to my dad or brother in months since theyve moved to vermont, my mom only cares about me as far as i can make her look good, my best friend moved states away and hardly comes online, would anyone notice? if i killed myself right now, would anyone know? i could die right now and my mom probably wouldnt notice until it started to smell because lately shes not even been talking to me for meals. like whats the point. i need to get a job and then go to college and then start a career and all the while im miserable. the only reason ive gotten out of bed at all is to talk to my friend who wants to date us. im half tempted to go out with him just to see if thatd help but it wouldnt be fair to him. its not fair to put that on him or expect a relationship to fix me. i just want to feel anything other than miserable and angry. i want to die so badly

2-25-2024

this ones a test to see how well this works. if it looks good ill keep it. if not, ill fix it later.

this is testing a spoiler/hide text feature blah blah blah, stuff to hide. terrible things, awful awful words.